The Reluctant Spouse

The Reluctant Spouse

Recognizing that debt is an emergency is crucial to creating a safe financial future. Getting your spouse to accept this reality can be difficult. Unfortunately, most couples consist of opposites: the spendypants, and the hand-wringer. So, if you’re the hand-wringer, how do you convince your spendypants that you have an emergency, and your collective hair is on fire?

In my earlier post, “Face the Music,” I described how to begin by having a pow-wow with your spouse.  The conversation should be frank and straightforward, and absent of blame or judgement: “We are in debt. It’s time to change our trajectory. We have to do what it takes to change our lives and become financially independent.  I need you on board.”  After that, I explained how to record monthly income and expenses. Hopefully, you shared this with your spouse- whether they were eager to read it, or not. If their eyes glazed over, just put on your CFO hat, roll up your sleeves, and carry on. You need to lead by example. DO NOT allow your spouse to be an excuse for continued bad behavior. Here are some tips for dealing with the reluctant spouse, cultivated from experience, and from other frugal folks:

Talk to your spouse. Discuss why you want to make financial changes.  Perhaps debt makes you feel insecure. Are you worried about having enough to retire one day? Talk about what you envision doing when you have financial freedom. Dream aloud and come up with goals together. Goals can include early retirement, the ability to travel frequently, the ability to spend more time on hobbies or to cultivate interests. Your goal may be as simple as continuing life as usual, but without financial worry. Create a purpose for being debt-free and acquiring financial freedom.

Are you spending money on something you can give up? If you are able to STOP this expense without needing your spouse involved, do it now. This includes housecleaning services, your gym membership, tennis lessons, etc. If you want to motivate your spouse, you have to step up and show that you’re making changes on your own.

Is eating out a major money pit for you? Start cooking! You may have to do this on your own, but don’t fret.  Take the initiative and start creating delicious meals so eating out loses its luster. This can reap very large savings in a short period of time.

When your spouse makes a positive effort, praise them. Be specific and appreciative. One month, my husband agreed to go along with efforts to eat out only once/week. At the end of the first month I showed him how much money we were able to sock away (a lot!). Recently, he agreed to go with me to Aldi—a store he claims does NOT save us money. The fact that he went was a huge deal—and while there, he checked prices against his favorite grocer and saw the cost savings. This doesn’t mean he’ll shop at Aldi again, but he got brownie points for going along with me. Lifestyle changes take time and patience. Be appreciative of incremental changes.

Stay positive! If you encounter situations in which your spouse wants to blow money on something that will set you back, respond honestly, but kindly: “I'm uncomfortable spending money on this because it will take longer to reach our goals. You will need to make your own decision. I’m just expressing my view."

Keep it fun and don't obsess over money.  As you get used to your new spending levels, see if you can find ways to increase your savings, slowly. Often, very subtle changes early-on are painless and reap noticeable financial rewards. This is affirming and often leads to attempts to expand frugal hacks. It can become a fun experiment—but don’t go crazy right out of the gate.

Does your reluctant spouse refuse to invest in retirement savings? Many people who feel stretched don’t want to reduce their take-home pay further. Share with your spouse this calculator, which shows how much (or how little!) your paycheck will be impacted by pre-tax contributions. Don’t let your spouse’s decision stop you from investing on your own. If you work and have a company sponsored 401k, 403b, 457 plan, or a federal government Thrift Savings Plan, start investing enough to meet the company match, if you have one. If you are debt-free, try to invest the maximum. To find out the maximum yearly contribution for your plan, check here.

If you treat your debt like your hair is on fire, your spouse will take notice. If you attack the debt with consistent resolve, you’ll likely win them over. Once you’re working as a team, financial freedom happens quickly.


Going forward, it’s important to review the state of the finances together on a monthly basis. Because money talks are often contentious, try to schedule this time in advance, and keep the atmosphere laid back: “It’s a new month, so I’d like us to look at the numbers over lunch and see how we’re doing.” Once your spouse begins to notice debt going down and savings increasing, they are likely to jump on board. At the very least, they are likely to entrust you with guiding the finances in the right direction. I would love to hear your tips on coping with reluctant loved ones.  (next)